“Bless your heart. I’m laughing with you, not at you.”
Over Thinking Parenting, editorials by me…
Back in my teacher days, a few of us would gather at the end of a particularly long work week, drive out to Walburg for burgers, and retell the hilarious student tales that we experienced. Inevitably the student in the most pathetic tale would receive a chorus of “Bless his (or her) heart!” I still laugh sheepishly at a few of these blessed stories, like a student arguing that “Carrots are the ovaries of plants, and that’s why they are orange.” I blog to remember the blessed events in my children’s live. Of course, if I really dig down deep, saying “Bless your heart” in some cases really is just a backhanded slap or compliment, but in my mind at least the phrase softens the meanness of laughing at another’s expense.
My preschooler has just started the “Don’t laugh at me!” phase, and no amount of me “blessing her heart” in the moment will make her feel better at me laughing. As I stumbled through a poor explanation of laughing with and at someone, my daughter reminded me that there is little distinction between the two if the person receiving the laughter does not find the situation humorous in the first place. ”It’s not funny to me!” I take for granted that everyone should just roll with the punches, even sucker punches.
Being able to laugh at yourself though I think takes tough skin and a good bit of self confidence. Both take time to develop if they are not inherent personality traits, but I am saddened at the idea that overtime as my kids develop “tough skin,” cynicism will follow suit. I cherish their innocence right now, that they see the good in everyone and are naturally empathetic.
When I have visited my daughter’s preschool classes for parties and have taken my kids to playgrounds, I have observed from age 3 especially that the children who appear to have self confidence (or at least are outspoken) are more likely to laugh at themselves and at others as well. Because these kids appear to be natural leaders, other kids follow like lemmings. Before my eyes I have seen groups of perfectly well behaved, mannered children, under watchful caretakers, turn Lord of the Flies in the blink of an eye, starting with mild laughter that turned into mob taunts. Watching and experiencing these moments are just another notch in developing tough skin, and I can see the innocence begin to chip away in my older child especially. She cannot understand why anyone would be unkind, and when I laugh at her (without malicious intent, of course), I am lumped into the category of the “mean kids.” Bless her heart. She’s right.
Though I cannot promise that I won’t laugh at moments that are clearly funny right then and will be funny someday to my children when they read the blogs that I keep, I will, for the time being, work on stopping my laughter when I see that I have crossed the line into “meanness.” Maybe there is not any real difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone. What a concept!
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